1 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:06,500 Captain's log, production date, June 26th. 2 00:00:06,820 --> 00:00:12,360 The intercourse is approaching Deep Space Station 69 for the scheduled 3 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:17,860 Charlie Walker, the lone survivor of a spaceship crash over 20 years ago, a 4 00:00:17,860 --> 00:00:22,880 on a desperate planet. After so much time alone, the old fart probably has as 5 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:26,280 much appeal as a pimple on Jeremy's butt. 6 00:00:27,020 --> 00:00:32,409 I just don't get it, Jim. A starship being sent on an errand like this, I... 7 00:00:32,409 --> 00:00:35,030 second -rate transport ship could schlep this guy back to Earth. 8 00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:36,410 Why else? 9 00:00:36,710 --> 00:00:37,850 I don't know, Boner. 10 00:00:38,450 --> 00:00:42,870 The station's CO seemed in an awful hurry to get rid of this old Charlie. 11 00:00:43,650 --> 00:00:46,190 Approaching Deep Space Station 69, Captain. 12 00:00:46,590 --> 00:00:48,330 Visual transmission coming in, sir. 13 00:00:48,970 --> 00:00:53,110 Captain Quack, I bid welcome to you and the crew of the Starship Intercourse. 14 00:00:53,190 --> 00:00:54,230 I'm Commander Headcheese. 15 00:00:54,670 --> 00:00:56,130 Commander Headcheese. 16 00:00:56,910 --> 00:00:59,290 I'm prepared to beam over and discuss the situation. 17 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:03,160 Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid you can't do that. 18 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:08,440 We've had an outbreak of regillian swamp fever. That's it. Regillian swamp 19 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:09,440 fever, yes. 20 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:15,180 Oh. But young Charlie Walker's been given a clean bill of health by my 21 00:01:15,180 --> 00:01:18,460 staff. We kept Charlie in quarantine just to be safe. 22 00:01:18,820 --> 00:01:21,580 And how old is this old fart? 23 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,080 Charlie's barely over 21. 24 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,420 Well, we just assumed. 25 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:31,860 After being on that dust ball for so many years that he would be about as 26 00:01:31,860 --> 00:01:34,120 wrinkled as a Chinese Sharpay sucking on lemons. 27 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:41,380 Charlie was a mid -baby when that ship crashed, and Charlie is not a he, as you 28 00:01:41,380 --> 00:01:45,380 can clearly see. Ms. Walker is most certainly a she. 29 00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:48,440 Holy premature ejaculation! 30 00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:50,140 It is woman! 31 00:01:50,620 --> 00:01:52,120 I can see that, Jackoff. 32 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:53,640 Lieutenant, who are you? 33 00:01:54,860 --> 00:01:56,640 Contact Squatty down in Engineering. 34 00:01:57,020 --> 00:01:59,920 Tell him this one better not beam over inside out. 35 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:04,620 Boner, you're with me. Mr. Berm, account of your order. 36 00:02:13,460 --> 00:02:16,500 Space. It's big. It's dark. 37 00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:18,100 It's spooky. 38 00:02:18,740 --> 00:02:23,680 These are the voyages of Starship Intercourse, her crew's five -minute 39 00:02:24,190 --> 00:02:28,530 to spread the seed of humanity to any hot -looking babe in a space suit, and 40 00:02:28,530 --> 00:02:31,330 boldly come where no man has come before. 41 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:00,600 Captain's log supplemental. 42 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:05,860 Dr. McJoy has expressed his concern to me regarding the alleged outbreak of 43 00:04:05,860 --> 00:04:09,540 Virgilian swamp fever on Deep Space Station 69. 44 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:13,280 There aren't any swamps in space. 45 00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:15,880 But my immediate concern lies elsewhere. 46 00:04:16,220 --> 00:04:18,740 We're beaming over a hot babe. 47 00:04:19,060 --> 00:04:23,140 Squatty, materialize her. And make sure her clothes stay at the space station. 48 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,600 Aye to that, Captain. 49 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,480 Miss Walker, welcome to the intercourse. 50 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,500 I'm Captain Quirk. 51 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:45,320 You can call me Jimmy Poo. 52 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,960 Oh dear, where are my clothes? 53 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,100 I never did something like a contraption. 54 00:04:57,580 --> 00:04:59,200 Although it does mean to have it. 55 00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:03,160 Don't worry, Miss Walker. I'll have a ship of doors to fabricate you some 56 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:06,240 clothing. Something cheap and tawdry. 57 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:07,740 Strappy, high heels. 58 00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:09,520 Something a porn star would wear. 59 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:11,780 Chip. Chip. 60 00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:13,340 Aren't you going to introduce us? 61 00:05:13,540 --> 00:05:16,980 Hey, Captain. The laugh has more than one hand to kiss. 62 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:18,099 Oh, yes. 63 00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:19,100 Miss Walker. 64 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:20,620 This is my crew. 65 00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:25,340 If they're unimportant, anything you need, you call them Jimmy Poo. 66 00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:30,620 Actually, there's something I've been craving that I've heard a lot about, but 67 00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:31,640 haven't experienced yet. 68 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:32,920 What is it you like? 69 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,900 Ice cream? The Kevin Dodge? 70 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,360 Kevin Ring? 71 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:37,480 Bon Jovi CD? 72 00:05:38,570 --> 00:05:40,530 I think the thing I want is sex. 73 00:05:41,870 --> 00:05:46,150 I heard it could be pleasurable, but the men on the space station, they ignore 74 00:05:46,150 --> 00:05:49,350 me. Damn. That raped Jenny Poole. 75 00:05:50,630 --> 00:05:54,650 Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll find the man aboard the intercourse much more 76 00:05:54,650 --> 00:05:57,510 accommodating. I laugh. We know how to treat a young lass. 77 00:05:57,950 --> 00:06:01,470 We pretend you outrank us, and then we slam the detention. 78 00:06:02,390 --> 00:06:04,150 At least, part of us do. 79 00:06:04,610 --> 00:06:06,250 And speaking of detention... 80 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,920 It is to start with the good doctor, because I am going to give you the 81 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:14,060 attention that you deserve on my examining table to make sure you're in 82 00:06:14,060 --> 00:06:17,140 room. And if you're a good girl. 83 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:20,800 From the good doctor. 84 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:33,940 Yes, Charlie, we have many corridors like this aboard the intercourse. 85 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:38,920 So don't believe anyone who tells you that we used the same corridor over and 86 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,560 over, shot from different camera angles. 87 00:06:42,540 --> 00:06:43,540 Oh, hey, Captain. 88 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:44,860 I'm so glad you're here. 89 00:06:45,380 --> 00:06:48,540 I was about to go to the gym, and my zipper appears to be stuck. 90 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:50,360 Well, let me help you, Yeoman. 91 00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:56,580 You can't have a zipper stuck in the up position in a movie such as this. 92 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,960 By the way, Charlie, this is Yeoman Gland. 93 00:07:00,540 --> 00:07:02,860 Owner, why don't you go ahead and take Charlie for an examination? 94 00:07:03,770 --> 00:07:04,910 It's me. Take some time. 95 00:07:06,130 --> 00:07:07,130 Right, Jim? 96 00:07:07,150 --> 00:07:08,150 Come on, Charlie. 97 00:07:08,350 --> 00:07:12,690 Come on. Don't dilly -dally. Come on. I've got a sturdy old set for you. 98 00:07:20,250 --> 00:07:21,610 Ice train or a chapstick? 99 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:28,940 I always cool my fingers before giving a gynecological exam. It's a practice 100 00:07:28,940 --> 00:07:31,200 that's been going on for hundreds of years on earth. 101 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:35,900 Mentioning your cold fingers reminds me, doctor, I am well overdue for my 102 00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:36,900 prostate exam. 103 00:07:37,260 --> 00:07:38,260 Later, sir. 104 00:07:40,020 --> 00:07:44,480 The men from the planet Horny must have their prostate examined monthly due to 105 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,960 the long periods of time in which men must go between sexual gratifications. 106 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:52,120 I think it's romantic that the men of Horny give themselves to the right 107 00:07:54,990 --> 00:07:59,850 It takes a great deal of discipline, nurse. You see, there's a tendency for 108 00:07:59,850 --> 00:08:02,930 sperm to... back up. 109 00:08:04,130 --> 00:08:09,470 So, every month I must go to Dr. Maggiore and have him massage and 110 00:08:09,470 --> 00:08:10,990 sperm from my gland. 111 00:08:11,470 --> 00:08:14,350 Sperm? You pointed it at green sperm. Freak! 112 00:08:14,990 --> 00:08:18,210 We're eight minutes into the video and we don't even have a sex scene yet. I've 113 00:08:18,210 --> 00:08:20,550 got a naked babe on my table with her feet in the stirrups and you're talking 114 00:08:20,550 --> 00:08:22,050 about me massaging your prostate gland. 115 00:08:22,610 --> 00:08:23,710 You know you're killing me! 116 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:27,780 Now, my dear, open up and say, ah. 117 00:08:28,580 --> 00:08:29,940 Ah. That's it. 118 00:08:32,260 --> 00:08:33,940 So, staying out of trouble? 119 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:39,720 Tell me, what was it like growing up on a desolate planet of yours all by 120 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:44,220 yourself with no doctor to play doctor with? There were animals there, and when 121 00:08:44,220 --> 00:08:47,960 I felt lonely, I would just put my mind into one of them, and then I wouldn't 122 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:48,899 feel alone. 123 00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:49,900 Well, I'll tell you what. 124 00:08:49,940 --> 00:08:51,080 If you get bored... 125 00:08:51,340 --> 00:08:55,320 You can let your imagination run wild and just go wherever you want to go. 126 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:56,320 dokie. Okie dokie. 127 00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:02,540 Charlie. 128 00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:11,500 Charlie, what's wrong? 129 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:13,720 You can't dance like that. 130 00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:16,540 It is in front of us. I know that you know what I'm doing. 131 00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:19,500 Doctor. 132 00:09:20,250 --> 00:09:24,630 Later, sperm. I got my hands full here. I said later. 133 00:09:25,010 --> 00:09:28,450 Nurse, chap, put something in his mouth. Hit him against the wall. If this girl 134 00:09:28,450 --> 00:09:32,270 dies before we have sex, we're not going to get a bad review. 135 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:59,520 Oh, my ears. 136 00:09:59,780 --> 00:10:01,900 Oh, they're tingling. 137 00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:05,280 They're getting bigger. 138 00:10:12,860 --> 00:10:14,900 They're getting bigger. 139 00:10:20,330 --> 00:10:23,250 I'm a little ahead of schedule. I don't think I should be doing this. It's 140 00:10:23,250 --> 00:10:25,190 really not good for the horny constitution. 141 00:10:26,890 --> 00:10:28,910 But that is. 142 00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:28,500 as you are in this. 143 00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:33,520 Personally, getting this once every seven years is much experience. 144 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:27,960 Thank you. 145 00:16:15,820 --> 00:16:16,820 Aw. 146 00:18:47,110 --> 00:18:48,110 Thank you. 147 00:23:50,860 --> 00:23:53,740 Oh, yeah. Oh, 148 00:23:53,820 --> 00:23:58,920 yeah. 149 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:40,400 Shane's okay, guys. 150 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,120 What's this crazy stuff? What are you two doing out of uniform? 151 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,820 Um, we'll get back to uniform. 152 00:24:48,700 --> 00:24:49,700 What is this? 153 00:24:57,260 --> 00:24:58,300 I've had this before. 154 00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:01,940 Just not admit it. 155 00:25:05,750 --> 00:25:06,930 Captain's log, supplemental. 156 00:25:07,250 --> 00:25:11,330 Dr. McJoy has given young Charlie Walker a clean bill of health. I have 157 00:25:11,330 --> 00:25:16,210 therefore given the helmsman instructions to reduce speed, giving us 158 00:25:16,210 --> 00:25:17,290 to enjoy the hot babe. 159 00:25:17,710 --> 00:25:20,950 It must be wonderful being Captain Quirk's personal yeoman. 160 00:25:21,330 --> 00:25:22,530 He's so dreamy. 161 00:25:22,830 --> 00:25:25,630 Well, you know, it does have its perk. 162 00:25:25,870 --> 00:25:29,210 Just the other day when he had his dick up my ass, I could have sworn he 163 00:25:29,210 --> 00:25:30,210 respected me. 164 00:25:30,970 --> 00:25:31,970 I don't know. 165 00:25:33,770 --> 00:25:35,970 A lightning bolt. It came out of nowhere and hit you in your ass. 166 00:25:36,330 --> 00:25:38,850 Good thing lightning can hit the same place twice. 167 00:25:39,550 --> 00:25:42,370 Ow! I'm getting out of here. Wait for me. 168 00:25:51,570 --> 00:25:54,050 Commander Hedges, we're barely reading you. 169 00:25:55,670 --> 00:25:57,250 Enemy power unstable. 170 00:25:58,290 --> 00:25:59,690 We're going to blow any minute. 171 00:26:00,630 --> 00:26:01,970 I must warn you. 172 00:26:03,140 --> 00:26:06,280 Beware. The evil is among you. 173 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:10,700 Rainer Hedges, I don't understand. 174 00:26:11,340 --> 00:26:15,260 Evil among us. Do you see any evil among us? 175 00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:18,340 Is that Charlie standing behind you? Hi, Charlie. 176 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:20,280 Join the little trip. 177 00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:27,040 Can we talk later, Captain? It's just upstairs. 178 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,940 Oh, crap. 179 00:26:36,170 --> 00:26:37,630 Did you want me to find another channel? 180 00:26:38,150 --> 00:26:40,750 I could find an episode of Fresh Prince of Bel -Air. 181 00:26:41,110 --> 00:26:47,290 No. But if you see a T .J. Hooker rerun, please let me know. 182 00:26:47,610 --> 00:26:48,610 It's firm. 183 00:26:48,970 --> 00:26:52,810 Commander Hedges said something about evil being among us. 184 00:26:53,170 --> 00:26:56,250 Could it be that John T. Bone is directing this episode? 185 00:26:56,910 --> 00:26:58,210 No, Captain. 186 00:26:58,790 --> 00:27:04,010 But my long -distance deep space senses do indicate that Deep Space Station 69 187 00:27:04,010 --> 00:27:06,480 has been exploded into a... Ball of fire. 188 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:11,480 Rather like my anus was that time you treated me to Mexican food. 189 00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:13,640 How, Sperm, how? 190 00:27:13,860 --> 00:27:14,900 How could it have happened? 191 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:20,080 I think that spicy Latino food does not agree with my half -warning system. 192 00:27:20,860 --> 00:27:23,120 No, Sperm, I'm talking about Space Station. 193 00:27:23,780 --> 00:27:25,240 It wasn't built very well. 194 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:26,840 Just like your ship. 195 00:27:27,300 --> 00:27:31,820 Cheap paint, thin plywood, used nails. You guys don't get much of a budget for 196 00:27:31,820 --> 00:27:32,820 these things, do you? 197 00:27:41,020 --> 00:27:43,400 She knows something we don't know. 198 00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,120 Perhaps she has read ahead of the script, Captain. 199 00:27:47,900 --> 00:27:48,779 Captain's log. 200 00:27:48,780 --> 00:27:50,020 The plot thickens. 201 00:27:50,540 --> 00:27:53,200 Unbeknownst to us at this time, we have an intruder within. 202 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:58,980 A cutie pie named Charlie had a corrupted mind and a secret power to 203 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:01,500 She also had become obsessed with me. 204 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:07,840 More than a mere crush, she wants to be me. And what better place to begin than 205 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:10,360 in my quarters with my personal yeoman. 206 00:28:19,420 --> 00:28:22,700 Charlie! One isn't in for a lady's private area without knocking. 207 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:26,360 At least not without buying her a few drinks first. How did you get in here 208 00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:28,220 anyway? I'm sure that door was locked. 209 00:28:28,740 --> 00:28:30,380 I have the power to get into things. 210 00:28:30,940 --> 00:28:34,320 Besides, I got into this episode and I don't even do boy -girl scenes. But 211 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:35,780 Charlie, this is the captain's quarters. 212 00:28:36,060 --> 00:28:37,280 No one else can be in here. 213 00:28:37,790 --> 00:28:39,670 I'm the captain's yeoman, and I'm changing. 214 00:28:40,130 --> 00:28:41,150 Yes, you are. 215 00:28:45,530 --> 00:28:50,210 Where are we? 216 00:28:50,910 --> 00:28:51,930 This is an illusion. 217 00:28:52,750 --> 00:28:54,810 This is where I've been for the past couple weeks. 218 00:28:55,350 --> 00:28:57,390 Oh, no wonder you're in a hurry to get on our ship. 219 00:28:58,390 --> 00:29:00,910 Now it's a place where we can be together, alone. 220 00:29:15,360 --> 00:29:18,400 I like the best pussy in three galaxies 221 00:29:57,050 --> 00:29:59,090 You sure you've never done this before? 222 00:30:00,410 --> 00:30:00,910 So 223 00:30:00,910 --> 00:30:13,830 what 224 00:30:13,830 --> 00:30:15,170 do you think of the female form? 225 00:30:15,870 --> 00:30:16,870 Are you with me? 226 00:30:21,330 --> 00:30:22,630 I'll take a closer look. 227 00:30:37,190 --> 00:30:38,630 Turn me up, baby. 228 00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:57,040 I think you're a natural. 229 00:31:08,340 --> 00:31:10,540 Oh, that's good, baby. 230 00:31:10,780 --> 00:31:11,780 Uh -huh. Yeah. 231 00:31:14,540 --> 00:31:15,540 Oh, 232 00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:22,560 how did you just know to do that? 233 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:24,680 Oh, yeah, stuck in that clip. 234 00:42:57,580 --> 00:42:58,600 Think about that in court. 235 00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:00,340 Think about what makes them tick. 236 00:43:01,260 --> 00:43:02,260 Tick. 237 00:43:02,420 --> 00:43:03,420 Tick. 238 00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:04,640 Tick. 239 00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:10,900 Charlie, just to hear you, but I wanted to see. 240 00:43:11,260 --> 00:43:15,200 You had mentioned back on the bridge that Deep Space 69 was not well 241 00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:16,200 constructed. 242 00:43:16,860 --> 00:43:18,340 Do you know of something I don't? 243 00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:20,140 Why did Headcheese want you off? 244 00:43:20,620 --> 00:43:21,459 Tell me. 245 00:43:21,460 --> 00:43:24,600 You're trying to get into my head, but this isn't about you getting into my 246 00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:26,240 head. It's about me getting into yours. 247 00:43:47,340 --> 00:43:48,340 Wrong man. 248 00:43:50,240 --> 00:43:51,240 Oh, 249 00:43:52,140 --> 00:43:54,420 I got a penis. 250 00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:59,040 I can't wait to use that penis. 251 00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:19,680 Jim, what is it? 252 00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:22,660 Well, it's a girl. 253 00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:26,280 But that's not the important thing. The important thing is that I found her just 254 00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:27,280 like this on Texas. 255 00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:29,940 Dr. McCoy, she looks brain dead. 256 00:44:30,680 --> 00:44:34,120 Maybe. But with her looks, it really doesn't matter. 257 00:44:34,480 --> 00:44:35,480 There you go again. 258 00:44:35,560 --> 00:44:40,380 Being a typical man. You know, a woman can be a babe and be smart too. 259 00:44:43,780 --> 00:44:45,120 Here he is, Doctor. 260 00:44:46,440 --> 00:44:47,440 You think so? 261 00:44:48,620 --> 00:44:52,620 I think that if Captain doesn't start acting like his old self, this video may 262 00:44:52,620 --> 00:44:53,900 end up one sex scene short. 263 00:45:00,740 --> 00:45:04,200 Out of my chair, you... you... you man. 264 00:45:06,380 --> 00:45:08,080 Are you all right, Captain? 265 00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:09,640 Why do you say that? 266 00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:11,600 Don't I look all right? How's my hair? 267 00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:12,900 Do I look fat in this uniform? 268 00:45:13,660 --> 00:45:15,420 Uh, no, sir. 269 00:45:15,860 --> 00:45:17,420 It's just that you're... 270 00:45:18,320 --> 00:45:19,320 tone of voice. 271 00:45:21,300 --> 00:45:23,780 Stop being sensitive, Mr. Sperm. 272 00:45:24,300 --> 00:45:26,980 You're not even human. You're not supposed to have feelings. I, on the 273 00:45:26,980 --> 00:45:27,980 hand, do. 274 00:45:28,340 --> 00:45:32,840 This body hair is rubbing against this uniform. It's about to drive me nuts. 275 00:45:33,900 --> 00:45:38,000 How am I supposed to store my bits and bobs in these thick trousers? 276 00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:46,500 I believe the proper approach to storing your bits and bobs, Captain, would be 277 00:45:46,500 --> 00:45:47,700 to hang them to the left. 278 00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:50,420 Hey, a good foot to the left, Captain. 279 00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:57,380 I beg the Captain's pardon, but I prefer leaning to the right, toward Ensign 280 00:45:57,380 --> 00:46:02,800 Jekyll. And personally, I prefer to lean to the left, toward Lieutenant Scrooge. 281 00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:06,480 All right, enough, all of you. I was just venting. 282 00:46:07,120 --> 00:46:10,300 Why do you men always have to solve each other's problems? 283 00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:14,420 Why can't you just listen to each other? Maybe give each other a hug now and 284 00:46:14,420 --> 00:46:15,420 then. 285 00:46:18,570 --> 00:46:19,570 Oh, not now. 286 00:46:20,030 --> 00:46:24,530 I want to put as much distance as I can between us and where that space station 287 00:46:24,530 --> 00:46:29,450 used to be. Warp... How fast is it that we can go? 288 00:46:29,990 --> 00:46:31,970 Uh, warp nine, Captain. 289 00:46:32,290 --> 00:46:33,670 Except in school zone. 290 00:46:33,930 --> 00:46:35,070 Warp nine it is, then. 291 00:46:35,690 --> 00:46:37,490 Let's shake the dust off this thing. 292 00:46:37,750 --> 00:46:38,488 Aye, sir. 293 00:46:38,490 --> 00:46:39,490 Warp nine. 294 00:46:54,030 --> 00:46:57,270 I'll stop your whining all the time, would you? 295 00:46:58,070 --> 00:47:02,490 Captain, if I weren't whining about me engines, I wouldn't have much to do on 296 00:47:02,490 --> 00:47:03,490 this show. 297 00:47:06,050 --> 00:47:07,050 Captain's log. 298 00:47:07,630 --> 00:47:09,250 The intruder within reporting. 299 00:47:10,270 --> 00:47:11,630 So far, so good. 300 00:47:12,390 --> 00:47:14,730 I've got James Court by the balls. 301 00:47:15,170 --> 00:47:17,910 And now I'm the one who wears the pants. 302 00:47:18,150 --> 00:47:21,150 Now the intercourse is my own private playground. 303 00:47:25,100 --> 00:47:27,920 So you're the transporter chief? 304 00:47:28,460 --> 00:47:31,880 You should know, Captain. You recommended me after that one night we 305 00:47:31,880 --> 00:47:32,880 together. 306 00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:34,520 Yes. 307 00:47:35,120 --> 00:47:39,700 What's the strangest place you've ever dotted? 308 00:47:40,460 --> 00:47:42,180 On Herschel Savage's face. 309 00:47:42,380 --> 00:47:45,000 But I've always wanted to do it in the transporter. 310 00:47:45,500 --> 00:47:50,280 Imagine all of our atoms disassembled and then scattered together and then 311 00:47:50,280 --> 00:47:52,500 reassembled. What could be more erotic? 312 00:47:56,720 --> 00:47:58,180 to set that thing on automatic. 313 00:48:24,110 --> 00:48:27,670 By the looks of the orange sky, I would say Stage 7B at Desilu Studios. 314 00:48:28,210 --> 00:48:31,490 But Desilu Studios ended up the same time Star Trek did, Captain. 315 00:48:31,730 --> 00:48:32,850 Neither exist anymore. 316 00:48:33,750 --> 00:48:38,890 Listen, if I wanted intelligent conversation, I would have invited that 317 00:48:38,890 --> 00:48:39,689 -eared Mr. 318 00:48:39,690 --> 00:48:40,690 Sperm Guy. 319 00:48:40,990 --> 00:48:43,070 Well, you are the captain, Captain. 320 00:48:43,490 --> 00:48:44,490 Yes, I am. 321 00:48:44,610 --> 00:48:47,950 And I would really like to know what it felt like to touch your breasts. 322 00:48:50,130 --> 00:48:51,130 May I do that? 323 00:49:08,180 --> 00:49:10,080 You smell like a girl. 324 00:50:24,130 --> 00:50:26,670 Fuck. Fuck. 325 00:50:29,350 --> 00:50:30,750 Fuck. 326 00:59:29,290 --> 00:59:30,330 I had sex in a transporter. 327 00:59:30,590 --> 00:59:31,730 But how did you know? 328 00:59:32,110 --> 00:59:36,330 The transporter beam was set on both long range as well as short range, which 329 00:59:36,330 --> 00:59:40,330 means that you and the captain managed to materialize on the bridge as well as 330 00:59:40,330 --> 00:59:41,910 every room on the ship. 331 00:59:42,130 --> 00:59:46,670 As well as every dirty movie channel available on satellite TV. We all 332 00:59:46,670 --> 00:59:47,890 your carnal act, crewman. 333 00:59:48,130 --> 00:59:53,570 Well, how was it? I'm a doctor, damn it! Not a porn critic. For my part, I'm 334 00:59:53,570 --> 00:59:54,570 more than just a captain. 335 00:59:55,630 --> 00:59:59,690 You have been with him before, uh, Groom and Bubbles, haven't you? And was he 336 00:59:59,690 --> 01:00:01,310 different in any way? 337 01:00:01,690 --> 01:00:06,210 Now that you ask, he was different. When he licked my pussy, it was as if he 338 01:00:06,210 --> 01:00:07,210 knew how I felt. 339 01:00:07,490 --> 01:00:09,270 As if he was a woman. 340 01:00:10,110 --> 01:00:11,110 Captain's log. 341 01:00:11,710 --> 01:00:13,190 Girly quirk recording. 342 01:00:14,050 --> 01:00:17,610 I suspect there's a plot to take the intercourse away from me. 343 01:00:18,290 --> 01:00:19,430 That bothers me. 344 01:00:19,850 --> 01:00:23,910 So I did what any babe with a problem would do. 345 01:00:25,040 --> 01:00:28,600 I lit some candles and I took a nice, long, relaxing bubble bath. 346 01:00:41,920 --> 01:00:45,980 Captain, we wanted to have a word with you, not to disturb your bath. 347 01:00:47,040 --> 01:00:49,760 That perfume bubble bath I know, Jim. 348 01:00:50,780 --> 01:00:54,080 What if it is? A fella can't take a bubble bath if he wants. 349 01:00:55,009 --> 01:01:01,870 Um, Captain, the doctor and myself, as well as just about any two 350 01:01:01,870 --> 01:01:06,990 truckie with a weight of tribbles, feel as if you are not behaving right. 351 01:01:08,230 --> 01:01:13,270 In other words, Jim, if you were any less macho, we would be buying you a 352 01:01:13,270 --> 01:01:14,510 skirt and stilettos. 353 01:01:14,750 --> 01:01:15,890 Surely you understand. 354 01:01:16,750 --> 01:01:18,110 Now you listen to me. 355 01:01:18,770 --> 01:01:22,070 This is my ship, and I can play this role any way that I want to. 356 01:01:22,370 --> 01:01:23,790 And don't call me Shirley. 357 01:01:24,430 --> 01:01:25,750 I don't look anything like a Shirley. 358 01:01:28,850 --> 01:01:29,850 Ew! 359 01:01:30,750 --> 01:01:31,750 Do you mind? 360 01:01:32,190 --> 01:01:34,010 I'd like a little privacy while getting dressed. 361 01:01:34,870 --> 01:01:36,630 Out! Out, out, out, out, out. 362 01:01:52,780 --> 01:01:56,400 Hit me up with another one as well, Doctor. You got it, buddy. 363 01:01:57,980 --> 01:01:58,980 Hold steady. 364 01:02:03,840 --> 01:02:08,600 The captain is changing before our very eyes. 365 01:02:08,820 --> 01:02:14,300 We have to do something to help him. And I'm not talking about buying him a bra 366 01:02:14,300 --> 01:02:15,300 and panty. 367 01:02:15,480 --> 01:02:16,480 Agree, Doctor. 368 01:02:17,480 --> 01:02:21,660 I believe that whatever beamed aboard this ship... 369 01:02:21,900 --> 01:02:26,260 And Charlie Walker's body is beginning to take over Captain Quark. 370 01:02:26,880 --> 01:02:33,880 The entity within him is beginning to alter him and in a 371 01:02:33,880 --> 01:02:37,400 metaphor, morphosize him into a woman. 372 01:02:38,580 --> 01:02:45,420 And of course, being run by a woman, I haven't heard anything that crazy 373 01:02:45,420 --> 01:02:49,520 since man elected Hillary Clinton president in 2008. 374 01:02:50,520 --> 01:02:55,480 But if our captain wants to turn into a woman, he better turn into a stone -fold 375 01:02:55,480 --> 01:03:00,120 fox giving sexual favors to first officers and doctors. 376 01:03:00,720 --> 01:03:01,860 That's for sure. 377 01:03:03,980 --> 01:03:04,980 Fascinating. 378 01:03:10,680 --> 01:03:16,220 You look like a woman who's had a lot of sex in her lifetime. 379 01:03:17,500 --> 01:03:18,500 Yeah. 380 01:03:19,950 --> 01:03:24,410 I had sex for Vivid yesterday, and a day before that for Wicked, and a day 381 01:03:24,410 --> 01:03:25,650 before that for Sun City. 382 01:03:29,110 --> 01:03:33,210 Perhaps you could answer a question that I have. 383 01:03:34,990 --> 01:03:41,970 Why does a man, especially a man like me, not want to 384 01:03:41,970 --> 01:03:44,490 have sex immediately after just having had sex? 385 01:03:45,490 --> 01:03:47,570 Now, take you, for instance. 386 01:03:48,410 --> 01:03:49,410 You're hot. 387 01:03:51,150 --> 01:03:53,430 All right, so I should be banging you all about the turbo lift. 388 01:03:54,430 --> 01:03:57,650 But somehow I feel fatigued. 389 01:03:58,450 --> 01:03:59,790 Is it because I'm getting old? 390 01:04:01,170 --> 01:04:02,230 Not old, Catherine. 391 01:04:02,950 --> 01:04:04,110 Just a bit tired. 392 01:04:04,790 --> 01:04:06,970 I mean, you're just a man. 393 01:04:10,810 --> 01:04:11,810 Of course. 394 01:04:12,070 --> 01:04:14,190 So there are advantages to being a woman. 395 01:04:14,690 --> 01:04:18,470 Not only do you have your dinner and your drink spot for you, but you can 396 01:04:18,470 --> 01:04:19,470 multiple orgasms. 397 01:04:22,160 --> 01:04:23,740 Too bad you couldn't be a woman. 398 01:04:24,400 --> 01:04:27,020 Especially when a man just needs to take a nap. 399 01:04:27,760 --> 01:04:28,760 Oh, well. 400 01:04:29,640 --> 01:04:31,100 Who says I can't? 401 01:04:36,260 --> 01:04:37,260 Nice. 402 01:04:38,080 --> 01:04:39,080 Silly man. 403 01:04:39,980 --> 01:04:40,980 Take a nap. 404 01:04:41,480 --> 01:04:43,220 I'll be back as soon as you recharge. 405 01:04:57,260 --> 01:04:58,260 not here, Lieutenant. 406 01:04:59,280 --> 01:05:00,320 Screw you, miss. 407 01:05:01,740 --> 01:05:03,000 Maybe next time. 408 01:05:05,020 --> 01:05:06,020 And you? 409 01:05:07,500 --> 01:05:08,500 I'm Jekyll. 410 01:05:09,700 --> 01:05:10,940 Not around me. 411 01:05:11,240 --> 01:05:12,720 I don't want you with me. 412 01:05:31,580 --> 01:05:33,460 Mr. Scott, should we stop them? 413 01:05:34,100 --> 01:05:36,620 They're not for 12 and a half minutes, Lassie. 414 01:05:37,120 --> 01:05:39,720 The length of the average adult movie sex scene. 415 01:05:40,080 --> 01:05:41,460 Come on, I'll buy you a soda. 416 01:05:46,860 --> 01:05:48,680 You look like a sasparilla girl. 417 01:09:10,569 --> 01:09:11,569 . . 418 01:09:44,200 --> 01:09:45,200 What? 419 01:10:56,110 --> 01:10:57,110 Thank you. 420 01:11:35,280 --> 01:11:37,180 Oh, yes. Good. 421 01:11:37,920 --> 01:11:39,500 Oh, good. 422 01:17:06,470 --> 01:17:07,770 You say you found him this way. 423 01:17:08,050 --> 01:17:10,730 It appears that the entity has left his body, Doctor. 424 01:17:13,010 --> 01:17:14,010 Fascinating. 425 01:17:14,410 --> 01:17:15,990 He no longer has breasts. 426 01:17:17,170 --> 01:17:20,690 And his penis appears to be returning. 427 01:17:21,270 --> 01:17:24,950 And making as much forward progress as a commuter on the 101 freeway during rush 428 01:17:24,950 --> 01:17:28,390 hour. I need a stimulant. Nurse, get me those blue pills that I've been keeping 429 01:17:28,390 --> 01:17:29,390 for emergencies. 430 01:17:30,230 --> 01:17:31,950 Blue pills, Doctor? 431 01:17:32,890 --> 01:17:33,890 Emergency? 432 01:17:34,290 --> 01:17:37,760 Perfect. We've been doing the electric parity for the last 15 years. 433 01:17:38,260 --> 01:17:41,200 Considering the average age of every male CAPS member, I'd say this was an 434 01:17:41,200 --> 01:17:42,200 emergency. 435 01:18:05,320 --> 01:18:07,880 Now that we have you back, Jim, what's the plan? 436 01:18:08,120 --> 01:18:12,180 The plan is to have another second thing before those blue pills you gave me 437 01:18:12,180 --> 01:18:13,099 wear off. 438 01:18:13,100 --> 01:18:16,100 Wrap this parody up so I can take another nap. 439 01:18:17,340 --> 01:18:18,340 Captain. 440 01:18:21,940 --> 01:18:25,100 That was a little fresh, even for a porn babe looking for a raise. 441 01:18:25,420 --> 01:18:28,900 I don't believe that was Yeoman Gland. I'm going to follow her. 442 01:18:29,660 --> 01:18:33,480 See what she's up to. You two get up to the bridge. Have Squatty engage every 443 01:18:33,480 --> 01:18:34,600 power system on board. 444 01:18:36,240 --> 01:18:38,140 It's going to wreak havoc on our electric bill. 445 01:18:38,780 --> 01:18:43,040 I believe I understand what the captain's trying to do here. I suggest 446 01:18:43,040 --> 01:18:44,040 the bridge immediately. 447 01:18:50,860 --> 01:18:52,680 Gentlemen, the engines. 448 01:18:53,640 --> 01:18:58,520 Mr. Schwartz, I want our acupuncturist to watch you so frequently that it'll 449 01:18:58,520 --> 01:19:02,100 seem as if our entire crew has been drinking water from a Tijuana 450 01:19:10,890 --> 01:19:13,730 off my feet and bring me to your quarters like this. 451 01:19:13,990 --> 01:19:15,770 I think I like this game. 452 01:19:16,150 --> 01:19:17,150 You want to play with my crew? 453 01:19:17,750 --> 01:19:18,750 Start with me. 454 01:19:19,150 --> 01:19:20,150 Okay. 455 01:19:20,950 --> 01:19:22,270 I know who you are. 456 01:19:23,430 --> 01:19:24,430 Charlie. 457 01:19:30,130 --> 01:19:32,190 How very clever of you, Captain. 458 01:19:32,750 --> 01:19:33,890 More clever than you think. 459 01:19:34,330 --> 01:19:37,510 I also know that you put part of your conscious mind into our computers. 460 01:19:37,790 --> 01:19:38,790 Keep it there forever. 461 01:19:39,290 --> 01:19:40,330 To be your personal toys. 462 01:19:41,510 --> 01:19:42,730 Well, then come here, toy. 463 01:20:40,660 --> 01:20:43,480 I don't know. 464 01:21:13,610 --> 01:21:15,830 Thank you. 465 01:21:56,600 --> 01:22:00,380 Oh, my God. 466 01:22:53,860 --> 01:22:56,660 Oh, God. 467 01:23:21,200 --> 01:23:22,400 Oh my god. 468 01:23:22,900 --> 01:23:25,900 Oh my god. 469 01:25:23,960 --> 01:25:25,360 Yeah. 470 01:25:28,100 --> 01:25:29,500 Yeah. 471 01:25:31,660 --> 01:25:33,060 Yeah. 472 01:25:35,460 --> 01:25:38,000 Yeah. Yeah. 473 01:25:39,040 --> 01:25:40,440 Yeah. 474 01:26:16,720 --> 01:26:17,720 Okay. 475 01:28:19,600 --> 01:28:20,600 Oh, my gosh. 476 01:29:41,740 --> 01:29:42,740 Like that, huh? 477 01:30:19,599 --> 01:30:20,599 Yeah. 478 01:30:21,880 --> 01:30:22,880 I'm gonna come. 479 01:31:25,740 --> 01:31:28,540 I can't seem to translate your mind with my superior intellect. 480 01:31:29,940 --> 01:31:32,040 What are you doing? I know you're up to something. 481 01:31:32,420 --> 01:31:33,420 You wanted power. 482 01:31:34,180 --> 01:31:35,260 I'm going to give you power. 483 01:31:35,720 --> 01:31:37,420 I'm allowed to give you a belly full of it. 484 01:31:40,640 --> 01:31:45,100 Jim, we did it. We threw on every damn light switch on the ship. I even left 485 01:31:45,100 --> 01:31:48,320 TV on in my quarters. If that doesn't overload our system, nothing will. 486 01:31:50,040 --> 01:31:51,140 Stand back, Captain. 487 01:31:52,160 --> 01:31:53,160 Who's funny? 488 01:31:53,660 --> 01:31:54,660 It's me playing in the... 489 01:31:56,050 --> 01:32:00,990 The body is trying to absorb all the energy that's around her. 490 01:32:02,050 --> 01:32:07,730 Sperm, quick. While she's disoriented, make telepathic contact with her. Find 491 01:32:07,730 --> 01:32:12,090 out who the hell she is and how much she's going to be paid for this silly 492 01:32:12,090 --> 01:32:13,090 acting job. 493 01:32:13,170 --> 01:32:17,910 We are Sperm. We are Charlie. We are one. 494 01:32:18,450 --> 01:32:22,910 We share a collective memory of a time... 495 01:32:23,310 --> 01:32:29,270 The ship crashed in a planet, and I foresee a video flashback sequence 496 01:32:29,270 --> 01:32:30,390 explaining everything. 497 01:32:30,850 --> 01:32:31,489 The sperm. 498 01:32:31,490 --> 01:32:34,730 We don't have time for a video flashback. Get to it, man. 499 01:32:35,110 --> 01:32:36,750 We survived the bash. We grew up. 500 01:32:38,630 --> 01:32:41,250 And we had help. 501 01:32:41,510 --> 01:32:45,750 The old ones gave us special powers. 502 01:32:46,290 --> 01:32:47,290 The old ones? 503 01:32:47,430 --> 01:32:49,630 Don't tell me Dick Clark is in this movie. 504 01:32:50,010 --> 01:32:51,010 Boner, quiet. 505 01:32:51,360 --> 01:32:54,000 We're just about to find out what happens to this stupid story. 506 01:32:54,420 --> 01:32:57,420 Oh, I was given great powers. 507 01:32:58,220 --> 01:33:04,940 But when a girl has experienced great powers, she cannot live without this 508 01:33:04,940 --> 01:33:07,460 power. She cannot live. 509 01:33:07,900 --> 01:33:09,300 She cannot live. 510 01:33:09,700 --> 01:33:12,240 Boner, quick, tell the computer to solve pi. 511 01:33:33,760 --> 01:33:37,540 Fascinating. Jim, I've seen you dump girls after banging them, but this is 512 01:33:37,540 --> 01:33:38,540 ridiculous. 513 01:33:39,060 --> 01:33:40,620 It's more than ridiculous, boner. 514 01:33:41,600 --> 01:33:43,000 There's a moral to the story. 515 01:33:44,000 --> 01:33:47,740 When you're a chick and you've got fine tits and fine ass, just like that one 516 01:33:47,740 --> 01:33:49,860 did, you've got to remain just that, a chick. 517 01:33:50,700 --> 01:33:53,240 I had no business taking over other people's minds and bodies. 518 01:33:53,480 --> 01:33:56,520 Let alone try to run a starship. 519 01:33:58,080 --> 01:33:59,400 That's a good moral, Captain. 520 01:34:00,240 --> 01:34:01,860 I think it'll be for a more now. 521 01:34:06,060 --> 01:34:09,980 Just as I suspected, Captain, the Hestie has loved the ship. 522 01:34:10,440 --> 01:34:13,300 Into the cold vacuum from which it came. 523 01:34:13,640 --> 01:34:15,940 Good. At this time, we'll leave her there. 524 01:34:16,260 --> 01:34:17,520 I think the General will agree. 525 01:34:18,600 --> 01:34:21,420 Some women are better left home on Saturday night. 526 01:34:22,120 --> 01:34:23,580 Amen to that, Captain. 527 01:34:23,900 --> 01:34:27,980 But Jim, how did you know the entity would flee the computers by trying to 528 01:34:27,980 --> 01:34:28,980 the equation of pi? 529 01:34:29,560 --> 01:34:31,640 Because the entity was a woman voter. 530 01:34:32,200 --> 01:34:37,720 Yes, Captain. And as a woman, she knew how to bake a pie, but not how to solve 531 01:34:37,720 --> 01:34:38,720 it. 532 01:34:56,010 --> 01:34:57,010 Captain's log. 533 01:34:57,050 --> 01:35:01,350 Unicorps has encountered an Earth ship from the past. A dark, dismal time, the 534 01:35:01,350 --> 01:35:02,410 year 2006. 535 01:35:05,910 --> 01:35:08,890 Coming up on slow -moving, unidentified vessel, Captain. 536 01:35:09,130 --> 01:35:10,950 The ship's being pulled into a black hole. 537 01:35:11,230 --> 01:35:15,690 She'll swallow that other ship faster than a $10 English whore swallows semen. 538 01:35:15,930 --> 01:35:17,890 Sperm. Are you sure there's humans on that ship? 539 01:35:18,370 --> 01:35:19,370 Affirmative, Captain. 540 01:35:20,330 --> 01:35:24,430 Captain, my deep, throbbing senses indicate... 541 01:35:24,920 --> 01:35:26,580 Three of these forms are thin, then. 542 01:35:27,600 --> 01:35:29,120 Protractor beam on that ship, it's real. 543 01:35:29,600 --> 01:35:30,600 We must. 544 01:35:32,100 --> 01:35:33,100 Save the man! 545 01:35:55,890 --> 01:35:57,510 Look, the babes. 546 01:35:59,790 --> 01:36:04,390 Aye, they're babes, all right. Look at as tasty as popsicles. As frozen, too. 547 01:36:04,830 --> 01:36:07,110 These are suspended animation tubes. 548 01:36:07,610 --> 01:36:10,670 Mr. Balls, I would like to inquire about your women. 549 01:36:11,190 --> 01:36:12,650 Are they your crew members? 550 01:36:13,350 --> 01:36:15,030 No, they're actually more like cargo. 551 01:36:16,710 --> 01:36:18,430 You mean they're for sale? 552 01:36:19,610 --> 01:36:22,690 No, more like lease with an option to buy. 553 01:36:22,970 --> 01:36:24,330 Best I can figure it, Jim. 554 01:36:24,820 --> 01:36:27,800 Balls' women are drawing all the energy from all the male members of our crew. 555 01:36:27,900 --> 01:36:28,739 He's right, Captain. 556 01:36:28,740 --> 01:36:31,580 We must keep the crew members from having sex with Balls.